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I’m struggling.

I find it somewhat ironic that on #PositiveThurs I am feeling so glum.

 

There is so much going on right now, I just don’t know where to start.

I miss N.  Yup, it’s true. I’m fine on my own, and I’m looking forward to moving forward and starting the next chapter of my life, but I miss him.

It's crazy to think that someone important to me is down there, somewhere.

At work, N is going through some major milestones. After years in the dry dock being refit, his submarine is back at sea, undergoing sea trials.  It’s a huge milestone for this boat, and something N & the rest of the crew have been working towards for as long as he has been back in my life.  I am infinitely proud of N. He has come so far since our time together when we were younger. When we first met, he was brand new in the navy, fresh off of basic & hadn’t even received his first posting yet. Now he is doing what he has always wanted to do, and he is really good at it. He is respected by his superiors and his coworkers, and he loves his job.

It is really hard for me right now seeing all the coverage of the submarine on the news.  I am so proud of N & his coworkers, but I feel left out, and confused about how to feel.  I was by N’s side for the last 2 years while he worked long hours getting the boat ready to go to sea, when he was working until 9 & 10 at night, coming home, crawling in to bed and leaving again at 5:30am. I was here at home while he was constantly back & forth to Halifax for training.  I supported him in every way I possibly could, and now this milestone has come, and I am a mess of conflicting emotions. Sometimes, I just need someone to hug me & tell me it’s perfectly normal to feel this way right now.

N will ALWAYS be important to me. We have a great friendship. He is an amazing man, he’s just not relationship material, at least not for me.

I miss C too. That boy came such an important part of my life, and I miss hearing him on the phone with N every night talking about how school was, and what new movies he wants to see.  I know I’ll see him next time he comes for a visit, I just don’t know when that visit will be.

On a positive note, I am really starting to look forward to moving to town. I can spend hours daydreaming about how I am going to decorate my apartment, and how great I am going to feel walking to and from work everyday.  However, I haven’t moved in over 4 years, and it is all starting to feel overwhelming. I have to downsize, which means selling a large amount of furniture, and hoping that everything else I need fits in the new place.  I’m anxious about how & when I’m going to actually move my things when I’m work 6 days a week and training for a marathon on the 7th.

When N & I first broke up, I felt so rejuvenated and energized, but my current living situation has really brought me down.

Not that you can see the damage, appropriately placed furniture and the right camera angle can hide a multitude of sins.

My mother is my landlord, and her husband just refuses to maintain the suite I rent.  The living room wall leaks and the carpet in the corner is always brown and damp.  The deck is so rotten that I haven’t been able to use it in 2 years. My foot went through my front step a couple weeks ago, and I was told to step over it. Before I started ‘living’ with N for 6 months, my kitchen faucet broke, when I moved back, it still wasn’t repaired, 3 weeks later, N came & fixed it because the ‘landlord’ wouldn’t.

I know this living situation is coming to an end soon, but it is still really dragging me down right now. Normally people look forward to going home at the end of the day, but I dread it.  And when I do go home, I just sit on the couch and watch TV because everything seems like too much to do on my own.  I don’t know where to start, or how to stay organized enough to get through life, while I’m in this transition.

I can’t wait to be downtown, in fresh new surroundings, getting a fresh start.

I was hoping to get a jump start on that by meeting new people and spending time with them, but that’s not going so well either.  I thought I had made a new connection with someone who I was interested in spending time with and getting to know, but that seems to have fizzled out.  I’m not sure what happened. I don’t know if it was something I said, or something I did, but they seem to have lost interest.  The flirting was fast and furious at first, but then as time passed, it became sporadic.  The other day I laid it out and said I was interested in going out with this person, and I would like to get to know them better, but I haven’t heard back from them.  Point taken.

Maybe it’s too soon anyway, with my mixed emotions about N, but I was really intrigued, and really excited by this person, so now I feel disappointed.

I was feeling so energized and rejuvenated, but now I just feel overwhelmed & disappointed and it is showing in so many ways.  One positive thing I can say is that I am fully committed to marathon training this time around, and that is probably what is keeping me sane right now. But, something that is slipping is my eating habits.  Multiple late night bowls of cereal, second helpings, extra treats, they all add up! I am sure that if I wasn’t training for a marathon right now, I would weigh 10lbs more than I do. And right now I’m 10lbs heavier than I want to be!

I am SO glad the meeting topic of the week at WeightWatchers this week is Taming Stress.  I SO need to talk about this.  It’s crazy how, sometimes I feel like the meeting topics are scheduled just for me. It’s also crazy how, even as WeightWatchers employees, we were members first, and we are STILL members first.   We have our struggles & and our road blocks.  This is a lifelong journey of weight maintenance, just because we reach a magical ‘goal’ number on the scale, that doesn’t mean that we can stop thinking about what we’re doing. Maintenance can sometimes be just as much work as losing!

 

I want to thank my friend Suzy for inspiring me to write this post today. She is an amazing inspiration in not only weight loss, but personal acceptance & strength.

 

 

 

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One Comment

  1. Jaime says:

    I’m commenting!!! xox 🙂

    It’s totally normal to hit an emotional slump after a big break up. Sure, you know it’s the right move but as you’ve pointed out there’s some major history there. You guys have been a part of each other’s lives for a long time so learning to go it alone will taking some time. Nothing wrong with that…and nothing wrong with a little pity party. Just don’t let it own you.

    You are a busy lady! Just remember that even though it seems you don’t have any social time, your marathon training and WW are your kind of social time! Your move is coming soon and that’s another thing to be positive about.

    Don’t worry about the dating. You are busy, it’s early on, and you’ve got plenty of other friends to hang out with. Men will come along when your life is ready for them.

    🙂